Greg Oden announces retirement

At a press conference in Portland earlier today, Trailblazers center Greg Oden announced that he is calling an end to his basketball career. At just 20 years of age, Oden became the youngest player ever to retire from the NBA. Plagued by all sorts of injuries and health issues as both a college and professional player, Oden said in no uncertain terms that it is time for him "to just fucking retire already."

The first overall pick in the 2007 NBA draft, Oden did not play a single game last season after undergoing microfracture surgery on his knee. In the opening game of the current 2008 season, a rehabilitated Oden sprained his foot and is expected to miss up to three more weeks. However, based on his medical history, the Trailblazers team doctor predicted that Oden will probably strain his calf muscle or tear the labrum in his right shoulder during his first game back, and recommended that he never play basketball or engage in any sort of physical activity ever again. "I got to do what Doc says," said Oden, explaining his decision to retire and stay retired. "I've heard too many stories about guys' careers getting cut short because they didn't follow their doctor's advice. I don't want to be one of those stories."

The newest foot injury is the most recent in a long history of physical setbacks that have kept Oden off the court. As a both a Trailblazer and Buckeye, he has suffered from an endless variety of injuries and other health problems, such as a broken wrist, twisted ankle, and tonsillectomy. Add to that a torn MCL, pulled hamstring, broken nose, bruised ribs, concussions, scratched cornea, collapsed lung, epilepsy, lyme disease, ruptured aneurysm and consequent subarachnoid brain hemorrhaging, ergophobia, Prinzmetal's angina, hip replacement, scoliosis, vertigo, rabies, polio, tuberculosis, cholera, heart failure, and death.

Oden retires as the most statistically unproductive first overall draft pick in NBA history, with 0 points, 5 rebounds, and 1 block. "I don't think the numbers do Greg justice. He has meant and done a lot for this organization. That block was huge. He really got a piece of it. Did you see it? I mean, wow, move over, Mutombo!," said Trailblazers general manager Kevin Pritchard. "But I won't lie. We were hoping to get a little more out of him."

"I'll leave Portland with many great memories," said a teary-eyed Oden. "That block. Eating hot dogs on the sideline at the Rose Garden. Um... did I mention the block? Yo I got a piece of that shit!"

When asked for comment, NBA commissioner David Stern said, "I remember that great block he had back in... last week, was it? Anyway, he certainly looks old enough to retire."

Caption this Photograph

Can you think of a funny caption for this picture? You'll find mine below...

"Sen. Obama was not amused by John McCain's impersonation of Trig Palin."

The Slippery Slope

If you have spent a fair amount of time trying to figure out this government bailout plan in recent weeks, you may have heard some conservatives who opposed it warn that it could be the beginning of a "slippery slope" to socialism. Really? Even many, if not most, of those who favor the bailout plan do so reluctantly or are rightly concerned about its application and effectiveness. I think to talk about a slippery slope to socialism is to ignore or minimize this general wariness.

In any case, there are two ways to avoid sliding down the slippery slope. One obviously is to wear a good pair of rock climbing shoes. Another is to just rationally analyze each case independently, as they appear. The people who support this bailout are not necessarily making any statement about the superiority of socialism over private control, they are recognizing this one particular crisis, in large part caused by unchecked private enterprise, which they believe is so great as to require government intervention. The slippery slope to socialism comes up often with regard to calls for national health care too, even though roads, law enforcement, firefighters, parks, libraries, and the military are already government-run. The way some people panic about the consequences of national health care, you'd think we would all be slaving away in a gulag within a couple years of its enactment.

Another group of people who love the slippery slope argument are opponents of gay marriage. "Well, if you let two gay people get married, what's next? Polygamous marriage? State-sponsored incest? A man and a horse getting hitched? A man and a toaster?" But all of this ignores that proponents of gay marriage do have a criterion supporting their view that can be applied individually to any case. For most, that criterion would probably be something like "two consenting adults." Slippery slope is often a lazy and absurd form of argument. Let's be reasonable, nobody is lobbying for interspecies marriage, and nobody ever will.

When you really think about it, the slippery slope argument can be employed for any law that is enacted, taking it to its extreme, irrational end, and ignoring nuances and common moral standards that expose how ridiculous these arguments are. Outlaw slavery? Whoa! Next thing you know, the government will take away all of our property and we won't own ANYTHING. No more death penalty? Great, now every convicted murderer is going to walk free. Courts are prohibited from displaying the ten commandments? If you're a Christian, better get out of this country before you're thrown in jail for your beliefs.

Think of each issue as a mountain with two opposing slippery slopes. Going back to national health care, some argue that it could be the beginning of a dangerous descent into socialism. But is this argument any more valid than one that says privatizing health care could start a dangerous trend towards completely unregulated capitalism? Is privatizing a business going down the slippery slope towards anarchy? It works both ways.

Larry King Buried Alive By Accident

The still-living body of CNN anchor Larry King was exhumed from its grave in Green-Wood Cemetery in Brooklyn earlier today after he was mistakenly buried alive. King had been pronounced dead at New York Presbyterian Hospital on Saturday and was interred Tuesday afternoon. A man walking by King's grave this morning heard what sounded like a muffled human voice coming from beneath the ground and immediately reported it to the cemetery's supervisor. Apparently King, who is occasionally delusional, was unaware that he was buried in the earth. The excavators, who expected King to be screaming for help, said that they instead heard him calmly saying things like "We'll be right back with more from comedian Bill Maher, don't go away" from inside his coffin. Family members who reported King's death claimed that he wasn't breathing and had no heartbeat, in addition to being "hunched over like a jumbo shrimp." But it is probable that his heart was actually still beating at its normal four beats per minute. King, pictured at left with his great-granddaughter, will return to hosting Larry King Live tomorrow.

[CORRECTION: The above blurb identifies the woman pictured with Larry King as his great-granddaughter. It is actually his wife, Shawn Southwick.]

Obama Puts Country Seventh

At this year's Republican National Convention, one of the major themes was "putting country first." Some critics on the left resented the implication that Democratic nominee Barack Obama does not put his country first. Now, however, evidence has surfaced that suggests Obama not only doesn't put country first, he puts it as low as seventh. The following was written on a crumpled piece of paper found in the wastebasket in Obama's Senate office:

"The Order in Which I Put Things:

1. Me
2. Empty rhetoric
3. Michelle's juicy ass
4. Teaching kindergarteners how to suck and fuck
5. "Community organizing" haha
6. Baked beans, the ones with the smoked bacon flavor
7. Country I guess
8. Appearing on the Ellen DeGeneres show, man she is fucking annoying!"

"I can't say this is very surprising. Look at Sen. Obama's record," said McCain campaign spokesman Tucker Bounds. "He has consistently shown that he is just another member of the me-first, country-seventh, baked beans-sixth, do-nothing Washington crowd. We don't even know what 'country' he was referring to. Germany? Indonesia?"

Bounds further emphasized that McCain always puts his country before himself. "If Sen. McCain had to choose between, you know, like, just relaxing on his patio, and eradicating terrorism, you better believe he would eradicate terrorism first, and only sit on his patio later if he had time."

For his part, Sen. Obama denied that he wrote the list, adding he is unaware how it ended up in his wastebasket. However, he did not deny that he thinks Ellen DeGeneres is annoying.

"Another Movie" Flops, Critics Say It Needed A Comical Breakdancing Scene

Another Movie, the newest spoof film from the writers of Date Movie, Epic Movie, and Disaster Movie, badly underperformed in its opening weekend, grossing only $2.8 million. Although the previous spoof films of writers Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer did much better at the box office, critics say Another Movie has one fatal flaw: no scenes of characters breaking out into humorously unexpected breakdancing battles.

"Remember in Meet the Spartans when the Spartans started breakdancing? Oh my god, that was so hilarious! Real Spartans didn't breakdance!," commented film critic Roger Ebert. "And then in Disaster Movie they had the Juno character break it down. Have you ever seen something so goddamn fucking funny? A pregnant white girl breakdancing? I know you didn't see that one coming!"


Although Another Movie had numerous tired, recycled jokes and uncreative references to celebrities with unstable lifestyles, it evidently was not enough to compensate for the complete absence of scenes portraying breakdancing by characters that you would not typically expect to be capable of breakdancing.

Another Movie came fast on the heels of Disaster Movie, which premiered only two weeks ago and is also failing at the box office. Friedberg and Seltzer said they wrote Another Movie in one 25 minute sitting, after spending a couple of hours watching the E! channel and movie trailers for recent blockbusters. "That's how we get our material and inspiration," said Friedberg. "It's pretty simple," added Seltzer. "We just take a well-known scene from a movie trailer and reenact it basically to a tee, but maybe have the character talk in a funny way or get hit by a car. I like to think of myself as a modern day Mel Brooks."

The duo also said they spent five to ten minutes trying to think of a better title, but couldn't come up with anything. They are already wrapping up their next project, Fuck the Title, Just Give Us Your Money And Attempt To Be Entertained By Our Completely Uninspired Unfunny Piece of Shit Spoof Movie Which Isn't Really A Spoof Movie Because It Just References Passing Pop Culture Phenomena And Scenes In Other Movies Without Making Any Sort of Original, Intelligent, Or Remotely Funny Observation or Comment Whatsoever, though studio executives requested that they shorten the title.

Moose Experience Important To Voters

A recent Gallup poll indicates that many Americans are concerned about a presidential or vice presidential candidate's knowledge and experience with moose. A surprising 84% of respondents said that the extent of a candidate's moose hunting experience could be a deciding factor in their vote (of those, half also said having children who do not play hockey could be a deal breaker). Sixty-seven percent said that they believe a candidate's ability to field dress a moose is more important than their foreign policy record. Finally, 58% said that a candidate's specific mastery of step nine of field dressing a moose (separating the anus and bladder from the carcass) is "very relevant."

Moose were one of the major themes at the Republic National Convention that concluded on Thursday. In all the speeches given by various McCain supporters, "moose" was said more than any other word with the exception of "a," "the," "country," and "first." Analysts say the importance of moose experience to voters, especially conservatives, was the primary reason for Senator McCain's pick of Alaska Governor Sarah Palin as his running mate, given his own relative lack of moose experience. As mayor of the small town of Wasila, Alaska, Palin split the pelvic bone of a moose using the two-axe method in record time while keeping the genitals intact and avoiding cutting the urinary tract, which could result in the release of urine and taint the meat.

Democratic nominee Barack Obama has been criticized by some for his inability to shoot and kill large mammals and properly preserve their meat (as well as the fact that none of his daughters play hockey). "While Obama was in Illinois doing nothing but helping out poor communities and spouting lofty, empty rhetoric about this and that, Sarah Palin was cutting the remaining moose tissue holding the diaphragm to the back of the chest wall, thereby freeing the major organs from the carcass," said Mike Gremski, a hunter and McCain-Palin supporter. "I wonder if he's ever even shot a raccoon going through his garbage."

Palin has announced her intention to challenge Democratic vice presidential rival Joe Biden to a moose field dressing contest for their first debate.