God To Humanity: Shut The Fuck Up Already With The Prayers

HEAVEN (AP) -- At a recent press conference, God, creator and master of the universe, expressed extreme displeasure at the hundreds of millions of prayers He has been receiving on a daily basis.

"Shut the fuck up already," He told humanity. "I have such a headache. Seriously, I've fucking had it. I haven't gotten any rest since the seventh day."

God threatened to stop answering prayers altogether if He keeps receiving so many. "Take some initiative. Why do you people need my help for every little thing? Go get laid or survive cancer on your own."

Prayer volume has already dropped significantly, suggesting that people are generally not eager to incur the wrath of an almighty deity.

Critics of the Lord were quick to point out that most prayers have already been going unanswered for thousands of years. They noted that Heaven is a bureaucratic nightmare, where prayers need to go through a lengthy formal approval process by several offices of saints before they are even considered by God. The saints have an enormous backlog of prayers dating back to the Middle Ages.

"You have people praying today for peace between Israelis and Palestinians being ignored because God is just getting to prayers asking Him to end the bubonic plague," complained one theologian who wished to remain anonymous to avoid being sent to Hell.

Many professional athletes, accustomed to crediting God for their accomplishments on the field or court, are now considering the possibility that some measure of innate athletic talent, rather than divine intervention, is cause for their success.

God concluded his statement by imploring humanity to remember that "it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than some asshole who keeps pestering me with his personal problems to enter the kingdom of Heaven."

This was God's first public appearance since April, when He angrily told humanity that He does not work in mysterious ways and will strike dead the next person who says so.