Dr. Phil In Need Of More Clichés

Prominent psychologist and television personality Phil McGraw, who demands to be affectionately known as Dr. Phil, is looking to expand his collection of trite one-liners and vague meaningless bullshit used to counsel guests on his show.

Though he has had much success over the years by telling people in his distinctive southern drawl, "Stop thinking the world revolves around you" or "You need to re-engineer your life," or the highly succinct and always helpful "Get real!," even the dumbest, most vapid fans of of Dr. Phil are now saying that his platitudes are becoming marred by overuse.

The breaking point was when Dr. Phil said "Realize that perfectionism is an imperfection" 14 times in one show, inciting a huge wave of negative feedback from his viewers. With his current catalog of stock phrases, Dr. Phil has also had trouble counseling people who come to him with peculiar problems. One guest on his show revealed he had an irrational and crippling fear of hot air balloons, to which Dr. Phil, ostensibly nervous, replied, "Stop being so controlling and critical… of, um, hot air balloons."

Nevertheless, Dr. Phil still has a very large base of devoted supporters who are able to find meaning in banal or otherwise shitty, useless advice.

Christian Scientist Still Waiting For God To Fill Cavity

Harriet Pritchard, a devout Christian Scientist, is still waiting for God to relieve her painful tooth decay. Followers of Christian Science, a religious teaching founded by Mary Baker Eddy in the 19^th century, believe that all disorders and illnesses are curable through the power of prayer and heightened spiritual awareness. However, Pritchard’s repeated attempts at spiritual healing have not resulted in God removing the decayed enamel and dentin from her lower mandibular second molar and replacing it with a gold filling. The cavity has been persisting for almost 12 years.

"I must be patient with God," says Pritchard, 78. "Clearly I have done something very sinful to deserve this. It may have been that time 56 years ago that I briefly, for about one and a half seconds, imagined what fornication is like."

"Ouch!," added Pritchard. "This is really starting to hurt. I think my whole jaw is infected."

Although some Christian Scientists do decide in certain cases to seek professional medical treatment, Pritchard believes this is a betrayal of the Lord.

"I put my trust in Christ Jesus. I will not let the devil lure me into the office of some dentist. Like my grand-pappy used to tell me, the wages of sin is death. Ow! Fuck!"

Dr. Frank Rosenberg DDS is Pritchard's local dentist, and though he has not seen her tooth, he commented that there is no possible way to save it after 12 years of decay, and it would have to be removed.

Pritchard insists she will stand her ground, noting that God cured not one but two colds she had last winter.

"How does the know-it-all heathen medical community explain that one? There's only one explan-- ow! Alright, fuck this, what's Rosenberg's number?"

Sen. Brownback: Eh, America Is Not That Great

WASHINGTON, DC -- Republican Senator and 2008 presidential candidate Sam Brownback sent shock waves throughout the nation with comments in a recent interview on CNN describing his, at best, lukewarm affection for the United States.

"Is America a great country? Eh, I don't know. I don't think it's that great," said Brownback. "Don't get me wrong. I like America. I do like living here. But I just don't see what all the fuss is about."

Political analysts say these comments alone were more than enough to destroy the senator's chances of getting the Republican nomination. But they were only the beginning of a long, hysterical tirade.

"I always hear how America is the land of the free and the home of the brave. I think it's even a lyric to some popular song. But, what, are all French people in shackles? Are there no courageous souls in Canada?"

Brownback was even hesitant to declare himself proud to be an American.

"Am I proud to be an American? I don't know. I guess I am. But certainly not as proud as I am of the second place bowling trophy I won in a local league tournament in Salina, Kansas back in the 80s." Brownback went on to say, "Boy do I hate apple pie. Bald eagles suck too."

Although host Anderson Cooper then attempted to turn the interview in a different direction, Brownback continued to pepper his responses with complaints about America. The following are excerpts:

"America is so rough on bin Laden. I think he's just misunderstood. I'm considering converting to Islam myself."

"I don't understand why this country is so worried about terrorism anyway. If I become president, I assure you: the CIA and NSA will be disbanded and we will focus our money and effort on what really matters: legalizing polygamy and bestiality."

"I don't really see the big deal with burning the flag. American flags are made out of combustible material, they're basically begging to be burned."

"Why does everyone jerk off to the founding fathers so much? I think the American Revolution was a big mistake anyway. If you ask me, we had a pretty good deal going with King George."

"I've never been a big fan of the Mississippi River. It's so long, it's bordering on pretentious."

"I find baseball to be very boring."

Brownback's unusually blunt comments indicated a significant departure from his traditionally conservative stance. Indeed, Brownback's complete 180 may be a result of his coming to terms with the fact that he has little chance of becoming president, and already has a Senate seat secured until 2011. The response in the Washington was one of shock and outrage, with many congressmen calling for Brownback to immediately withdraw his presidential bid and step down from the Senate. Senate Republicans were particularly incensed that one of their own could have such seditious sentiments.

"I expect this from America-haters like Ted Kennedy and Dick Durbin, but Sam? He's been so crucial to the Republican party's fight against scientific progress and happy gay people. He's one of our staunchest pro-life advocates. It just doesn't make sense that he would question anything about America," lamented Pat Roberts, who serves alongside Brownback as the junior senator from Kansas.

"Senator Brownback committed high treason the moment he said 'eh.' He should be lynched," insisted a red-faced Orrin Hatch (R-UT). "I fucking love America. Write that down, bitch."

"How dare that terrorist-sympathizer blaspheme apple pie and bald eagles, America's most beloved symbols," cried an emotionally distraught Spencer Abraham (R-MI).

"If he hates America, he can leave at anytime," ejaculated a foaming-at-the-mouth Trent Lott (R-MS) "And if he hates baseball, then he can feel free to watch cricket."

"I still think he's pretty hot," noted a blushing, erect Larry Craig (R-ID).

President Bush called Brownback's comments "highly disturbing," adding, "I don't even think the Mississippi River is in America," and also adding, "freedom, courage, resolve," and finally adding, "liberty, faith, and more resolve."

To his credit, Brownback did state at the end of the interview that he is "proud to be a United States senator." Although he then added, "I mean, it's okay. It pays well."

A Tribute To Julio Franco, Great American Hero

In light of him recently turning the exciting age of 84, Critical Flop would like to pay tribute to Atlanta Braves first baseman and Great American Hero, Julio Franco.


Born in the Dominican Republic in in 1923, Franco came to the United States and began his major league career with the St. Louis Browns in 1949, where he played alongside the only midget to ever make it to the majors, Eddie Gaedel. Gaedel had zero career strikeouts, possibly due to his virtually nonexistent strike zone. However, some baseball historians argue the real reason is that he had only one career plate appearance, after which the novelty wore off of having a dwarf pop out of a giant birthday cake to play professional baseball as part of a weak attempt to boost stadium attendance for a dying and historically pitiful franchise.

Anyway, throughout his 58 year long career (and counting), Franco has acquired numerous distinctions:

- He is the oldest active player in major league baseball, and fourth oldest all-time behind Cyrus Cunningham, Alastair Jefferson, and Percival Byron Williams, all of whom played during the 1800s and looked more or less like this.

- At one time or another, he has been on the roster of every single team that has existed since he entered the league.

- Only player to ever use his bat as a cane in an effort to reach first base.

- When Franco hit his most recent home run in 1996 at the age of 72, he became, with Mo Vaughn, one of only two players to ever refuse to go all the way around the bases, stopping midway. "When will major league baseball finally discard this archaic custom?," he memorably commented after the game. "Players should not be punished for hitting home runs. I almost pulled a hamstring walking towards second."

- Only active player who cannot beat up former Yankees bench coach Don Zimmer.

Franco may have as many as three more years of life left, and he is sure to spend them doing what he does best: not retiring.

Miss Teen South Carolina Still Bangable

A national Gallup poll revealed that the vast majority of Americans would still bang the ever-loving shit out of Miss Teen South Carolina, Caitlin Upton, despite her awkward and embarrassing display of unfathomable stupidity during the 2007 Miss Teen USA contest. Poll takers were presented with the following carefully worded question:

Now that you know she is dumber than a bag of rocks, how far would you go sexually with Miss Teen South Carolina?

a) I would kiss her
b) I would feel her boobs
c) I would bang the ever-loving shit out of her
d) I wouldn’t touch that rambling incoherent jackass

84% answered “c.” Only two respondents answered “d"; both commented that that they are openly gay.

These poll results confirm the theory that being semi-retarded does not necessarily make one’s face any less beautiful or one’s breasts any less round and supple.

The true age of the earth

Young Earth creationists, who believe the Earth is an astounding and inconceivable 6,000 years old, are really giving a bad name to the creationist movement. It’s bad enough that evolutionists believe the world is 4 ½ billion years old (do numbers even go that high?). Both groups are wrong, and I am basing this on more than Bible interpretation. Scientific evidence, such as like the structure of the Grand Canyon or something (whatever), clearly indicates that the Earth is only 107 years old. The following pictures illustrate this:

This has far-reaching implications for our understanding of history, as events like the American Civil War and fall of ancient Rome are widely assumed to have taken place over 107 years ago. This obviously cannot be correct. Not only that, but people like Edna Parker of Shelbyville, Indiana (who arrogantly claims to be the oldest person alive) are helping spread this propaganda by claiming they are older than 107. You’re telling me this woman is older than the Earth itself? COME ON! WAKE UP AMERICA!

Federer should undergo mandatory android testing

Now that Roger Federer has won his fourth US Open title in a row, the 12th Grand Slam tournament victory of his career, it may be time to take action. At what point do we accept the fact that Roger Federer is not really a human being and ban him from professional tennis? A friend of mine suggested that society embrace the reality that Roger Federer is an android after he wins his 30^th Grand Slam title. By that point it would be obvious. But I think that the USTA should take a preventative course of action and have Federer undergo mandatory android testing immediately. Why wait until more damage is done? Androids have no place on our tennis courts or in a free peace-loving society. Remember this guy?

The testing procedure could easily be done by non-lethally dissecting an area of Federer's body. It may be prudent to actually dissect two or three areas in case he is actually a cyborg (part man, part machine) and the machine part is missed the first or second time. The longer we wait, the more time Federer’s programmers have to tweak and refine him, and before you know it, he’ll start winning every French Open too.

Nation panics as another millionaire adventurer goes missing

Millionaire adventurer Bob Crabtree was reported missing early Saturday morning. This while global search & rescue crews are already stretched thin looking for another missing millionaire adventurer, Steve Fossett. The crews are now fiercely debating who to devote more of their search efforts to, while national media outlets are ambivalent about which man should receive more news coverage. Much of this debate and indecision is due to the fact that nobody is sure which man has more money.

"Before Bob went missing, it was mostly just Mr. Fossett and a bunch of poor kids from inner city areas. Deciding who to cover was much easier," said an anonymous Fox News correspondent. With the addition of another lost millionaire musketeer, that decision has become much more difficult.

The American public is panicking as concern rises that this could be the beginning of a disturbing trend, as more and more multi-millionaires become reckless thrill seekers after getting bored of their normal everyday activities.

Crabtree was last seen being shot out of a catapult in his hometown of San Jose, California. But search efforts have been frustrated by the fact that he did not file a flight plan and the catapult operators cannot remember what direction they shot him in.

"We really have no idea where to look," said Carl Burbank, a search & rescue crew leader. "We do know that the catapult has the power to shoot a man of Mr. Crabtree's dimensions as far as 700 miles. He could be in Utah, Mexico, the Pacific Ocean, who knows? He may have even landed on Fossett, who is thought to be somewhere in Nevada."

Crabtree began his life of adventure after a successful career as an investment banker. He has cheated death numerous times, most recently when he set himself on fire in front of a crowd of awed onlookers.

If you have any information about Crabtree's whereabouts, please contact your local authorities immediately. If you have any information about some poor black kid's whereabouts, nobody cares.

John Madden's Head Has Ballooned Another 4 Inches

Sources in the NFL have just confirmed that the head of legendary broadcaster John Madden has grown another 4 inches in diameter. Madden was again forced to throw out all of his t-shirts and buy new ones with larger neck holes. NBC network executives are concerned that, if Madden's head continues to expand, there might no longer be room for Al Michaels in the announcing booth. At the same time, they are hopeful that Madden's brain may also expand to fill up the new space, equipping him with the mental capacity necessary to make more insightful comments than "Peyton Manning knows how to throw the football."


This phenomenon has generated interest outside of the sports community as well. Some of the world's leading physicists have calculated that the gravitational field around Madden's massive head may soon be strong enough to attract small, low-mass objects. Feathers, paper scraps, and balls of lint could start orbiting around Madden's head in the very near future.

Sources close to Madden also revealed that he may stop dyeing his eyebrows orange in the hopes of attracting less attention to what many consider a colossal, frightening head.

Madden was available for comment, but did not wish to talk about his enormous head.

Still hope for the Rangers?

Rumors are circulating that the Texas Rangers are considering putting in a request to baseball commissioner Bud Selig, shown here adjusting himself, to be able to spread the 30 runs they scored against Baltimore a couple of weeks ago over several games. The Rangers, who are currently 17.5 games out of first place, outscored the O’s 30-3 setting an American League record. But if they were allowed to strategically spread the 26 extraneous runs over a number of their previous losses and turn them into wins, they may have a shot at winning the AL wild card. Selig could not be reached for comment, but most analysts believe that he will firmly deny such a request if it is brought before him.

Larry Craig is not gay

Aren’t any other Republicans outraged that Idaho Senator Larry Craig was forced to step down after allegedly soliciting sex from an undercover cop in the restroom of Minneapolis International Airport? If Republicans keep admitting that their fellow congressmen are guilty of homosexuality and extramarital affairs, how can we reasonably expect to continue being the “family values” party? Yes, Sen. Craig confessed to disorderly conduct, but we need to play the angle that he was just joking around with the cop, playing footsies from the next stall or playfully fondling his balls or whatever he did. Can’t a politician have an edgy sense of humor without losing his job and reputation? Home of the free, my ass.

Sen. Craig has repeatedly and vehemently denied that he is gay, and we need to stand behind him, not get rid of him. I don’t care if he gets caught sucking on a cucumber watching “Dancing with the Stars” with his pants down behind a naked, bent over Mark Foley (also not gay), Larry Craig is a Great American Heterosexual and I invite the liberal media to stop their smear campaign anytime.

Appalachian State cheated in their upset of Michigan

In an interview on ESPN, Corey Lynch, the safety on Appalachian State who blocked the Michigan field goal attempt to secure one of the biggest upsets in college football history, started out by thanking Jesus for the win. Another player on the team confessed that “we did not do this today. Jesus did.” Where is the public outcry? It amazes me that there is so much controversy in professional baseball surrounding steroid use, but absolutely no reaction to college football players openly discussing their use of performance-enhancing supreme beings. I also hope NFL front offices realize that Jesus did all the work before they consider drafting any App State players.

How to use Facebook to increase your chances of getting a job

After hearing stories of companies looking up potential employees' Facebook profiles to size them up and search for things like compromising photos, I came up with the idea of creating an alternate profile that you can use whenever you submit a job application. The following is sort of a generic template that you can modify depending on the specifics of the job you’re applying for. As for the basic info section, try to find out the religious and political views of your potential employer so that you can immediately conform to them. Also be sure to upload lots of photos of yourself pretending to study hard (surround yourself with books and crumpled papers, look frustrated, and blot your forehead with a damp cloth to give the appearance of light perspiration) as well as photos of medals being placed around your neck or ribbons being pinned to your breast. Click here for a great example that you can use yourself if you resemble this guy.

Personal Info
Activities: Peace Corps, AmeriCorps, Teach For America, United Way Volunteer, Habitat for Humanity, volunteer firefighter, pilot, gig musician, congressional page (didn't have internet sex with Congressman Mark Foley), occasional guest host of Larry King Live

Interests: excelling, achieving, accomplishing, being motivated, working around the clock, striving for my best, doing charity work, leadership, productivity, being able to work both independently and in a group setting, taking charge, executing important decisions under heavy pressure, meeting deadlines, having a good sense of humor

Favorite Music: Queen - We Are The Champions, Europe - The Final Countdown, Survivor - Eye of the Tiger, anything that inspires me to work overtime for no extra pay

Favorite TV Shows: the news

Favorite Movies: the top ten of the AFI's all-time greatest films list

Favorite Books: The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, Getting Things Done: The Art of Stress-Free Productivity, How To Win Friends & Influence People, Harry Potter, The Da Vinci Code

Favorite Quotes: (NOTE: For clarity purposes, the following quotations have been minimally edited with brackets)

"Winners never quit and quitters never win [and I assure you Aaron Terr has never quit]."
-Vince Lombardi

"Life is either a daring adventure or nothing [and Aaron Terr's is certainly a daring adventure]."
-Helen Keller

"[Aaron Terr] are still masters of our fate. [Aaron Terr] are still captains of our soul."
-Winston Churchill

"A wise man [such as Aaron Terr] will make more opportunities than he finds."
-Francis Bacon
"Go confidently in the direction of [Aaron Terr]. Live the life [he has] imagined."
-Henry David Thoreau

About Me: I think the above information sums up fairly well who I am and what I'm about. I am driven by an urgent and fiery will to succeed and never settle for less than my very best. Put me in coach, I'm ready to play.

The Terr Says Hall Of Fame

Terrorists are such arrogant people; they can never admit defeat. It must be insufferable playing chess with the leader of Hezbollah...

"YOUR JEW BISHOPS HAVE NOT DEFEATED ME. THIS IS A HISTORIC VICTORY FOR ALLAH."

"Uh, check."

"ONLY A JEW SAYS 'CHECK.' A LOYAL JIHADIST PRAISER OF ALLAH SAYS 'CHECKMATE'"

"Yeah, well you can't move there, Sheikh. Your king would still be in check."

"MAN IT'S FUCKING HOT IN THIS TURBAN. HOW ABOUT HERE?"

"Yeah that's fine."

"THIS IS A GREAT DAY FOR ISLAM. A GREAT VICTORY FOR ALLAH."

"Checkmate."

"I WIN."

"No, you lost, Sheikh."

"PRAISE ALLAH?"

"No, Sheikh. No praise Allah. Listen, good game, but I gotta go. Later."

"I KNEW THAT YOU WOULD ADMIT TO YOUR CRUMBLING DEFEAT AT THE HANDS OF HEZBOLLAH. HOLY HAMAS! THIS TURBAN IS MAKING ME SO SWEATY. WHY DOES THE HOLY LAND HAVE TO BE A FUCKING DESERT?"

"Okay, bye Sheikh."

"YES, BYE FOR NOW."

---

Recently, I was very displeased to learn that Ann Coulter is not only still alive and breathing, but her skeleton hands can still operate a computer keyboard. She has just released yet another book about her undying love for liberals. For those who aren't aware, a liberal is a person who has ever disagreed with anything Coulter has ever said.

One particular section of Coulter's book has sparked a lot of reaction from the media. That is, Coulter's claim that a group of politically active 9/11 widows are overjoyed that their husbands died in the terrorist attacks and are "enjoying their celebrity status." (By the way, the fact that these women are not big fans of President Bush, who in Coulter's mind rivals Jesus in terms of holiness, has nothing to do with this). Coulter says that these women, or "harpies," are "using" the deaths of their husbands to get media attention and have "political bias" and "nobody is allowed to respond to them" while also pointing out that maybe their husbands were about to divorce them.

Good points Ann! I'd even take that a step further and ask how we know these women didn't fund 9/11 themselves? How do we know one of them isn't Osama bin Laden in disguise? Just because these women were married to their husbands for many years, just because they had children with them, we're supposed to believe that they actually loved them? That they're mourning their deaths? Yeah right! They obviously have just been waiting for them to die for the last 20 years so they could finally appear on CNN as big celebrities. Finally my annoying husband is dead and I can be interviewed by Wolf Blitzer!

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Comedy Central bombards its viewers with the message that Mencia is a cutting-edge politically incorrect independent rebel that nobody can predict, so much so that he's even a huge legal liability for the company. This is made evident by one of the show's taglines: "Carlos Mencia is speaking his mind. We're hiring extra lawyers." Lawsuits must be flooding in from all directions with Mencia daringly delivering jokes like...

[imitating a woman] "Do I look fat in this dress?"
[responding as himself] "No, you look fat... in EVERYTHING!"

You probably heard in the news about the class action lawsuit, The National Association of Fat Women versus Comedy Central.

---

Here’s a little riddle for you: What do you get when you mix a fat aging prostitute with a giant helping of bullshit and sprinkle it with emphysema?

Give up?

Sylvia Browne, of course. Enjoy her beautiful face for a moment.

Browne is a world-renowned “psychic” who you may have seen before on such gripping television as The Montel Williams Show. Browne normally appears on the show every Wednesday, serving as a medium through which people in the audience can communicate with dead relatives, learn the fate of sick or lost loved ones, etc. From her site, www.sylvia.org, you can also buy a psychic reading from her. But she’s not charging you $700 for a 20-30 minute phone call just for the money. Like her website proudly proclaims: “Everything Sylvia does is by the grace of God.” I’m not sure whether or not that includes the time she committed securities fraud in 1992 (19 years after she began doing psychic readings), but we’ll leave that open to debate. We’ll also leave open the question of why she didn’t use her powers to simply and legally play a winning lottery ticket if she was so greedy and desperate to add to her well-deserved fortune. And if you’re curious why she didn’t foresee the indictments handed down to her, it’s because—oh wait, Sylvia just telepathically asked me not to tell you. She said you can find out by purchasing her book, Adventure of a Psychic, available on amazon.com right now. She also said that she spoke with God, and He would prefer it if you buy the hardcover version.

Another popular TV psychic, John Edward, is just as bad as Sylvia, and says he knew what Terri Schiavo was thinking while she was in a persistent vegetative state. Schiavo was evidently fully aware of her surroundings and what was going on. Looks like the stupid medical "professionals" screwed up again. By the way, don’t ask John what you’re thinking. He only knows what you’re thinking if, like Schiavo, you are physically and mentally incapable of telling him that he’s wrong. What’s even worse about Browne is she sometimes goes as far as to give medical advice to people, regardless of the fact that she is completely unqualified. My medical advice to her is to stop waking up at 3AM to gorge her fat ass on deep-fried vanilla frosted donuts wrapped in bacon and chocolate-covered sausage links dipped in a warm mixture of sour cream and melted butter.

Here's a hilarious video clip you can't miss. Another home run for Sylvia.

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Born out of childhood dreams and fantasies pelted and shattered by the fierce pointed weapons of concentrated mass societal aggression and suppressed by a hovering machine of demonic dimensions, rising from the smoldering ashes of visions and truths once known, of alienated wisdom heeded not by the fools with swords that surround us, emerges the lush, eternal sound of my new indie band, The Aaron Terr Project.

Without music, I would be a foul, worthless, unhappy man. What I call my body would be nothing more than a pale, frail, slightly animated corpse. Music is everything and everyone. Music is voice. Music is beat. Music is rhythm. Music is melody. Music is life. Music is mystery. Music is revolution. Music is madness. But most importantly, music… is music. Music is the vibrational invasion of a lingering guitar chord, spewed out by the weather-beaten, chapped hands of a tortured being whose soul leeks out of tender scars in the form of warm red liquid that we so often call blood.

As an average middle-class kid from the suburbs who grew up with all the basic necessities of life and a few luxuries, and having excelled academically and gone on to study at a prestigious college, I know the true meaning of suffering. I am the supreme master of the gauntlet of emotions that tighten the figurative clamp around the jugular of humanity. With each of my songs, the listener is given a unique dose of my never-ending struggle on this cold, indifferent planet that floats in a dark, domineering abyss of death and destruction known to you as the universe. Here is a sample of my lyrics from the song "Blood and Asphalt":

i’m torn through by grave misfortunes of unwieldy souls
my blood pumps slow (slower than your conscience).
elevated dreams are consumed in nightly desires
you said “yank my spirit from the heavens”
but the sun won’t rise
tomorrow.

make your pact with the devil
signed with my blood (i bleed with every breath).
stitched up scars that break through time
this is my last call
my heart grows stronger with every fall.

so wrap up this world and put it in your pocket (your Levi’s spoke death)
and remember my words in vain
"heavy blood falls fast"
but my freedom came last.

Check stores soon for our debut album, Erratic Hearts Out Yonder.

---

Things We Hate

When someone continues to call you by the wrong name, to the point where you don't care enough anymore to correct them and just start going by "Harold"

When you didn't have a pen or pencil in class, and the nerd sitting next to you said he didn't have one to lend after pretending to look in his bulging backpack where there were actually 18 spare pens neatly wrapped in rubber bands inside of a zip-up bag.

When your teacher was "home sick" and left a shitload of work for you to do while the substitute read a magazine and fondled his balls at he desk. I always had an urge to write "Screw you, I'm not doing shit" all over the papers before handing them in to see if my teacher really checked them.

How some people seem so averse to flushing a turd down a toilet in public restrooms. If you have the time and energy to blow a monster loaf of shit out your ass and then use half a roll of toilet paper to wipe, I think you can take the extra step of pushing down a small lever with your index finger.

When someone is boring the shit out of you just rambling on about something, causing you to completely zone out as you continue to unconsciously deliver a series of responses such as "mmhm," "yeah," and "uh huh" that would seem to indicate that you're still paying attention, and suddenly you realize by the pause and look they're giving you that they just said something that may require a more specific response from you, yet you have no idea what they've been talking about and still try to get away with "yeah definitely."

When somebody asks you "what's going on?" and you reply "good."

Guys who dump multiple bottles of cologne on their bodies before going out. Yeah, now you'll get all the girls you fucking rancid pine tree. I only ask that you be a bit more subtle with the application of your aromatic blend of citrus, jasmine, and lavender.

Having to make one extremely difficult payment of $59.85 instead of three easy payments of $19.95

Ancient people who use the phrase "years young" instead of "years old" when stating their age. Sorry madam, your developing wrinkles, new grandson, and lack of perk in the bustal region seem to indicate that you are indeed 62 years old.

Talking to someone who has some debris on his face. You either don't bother to tell him, just trying to ignore the piece of broccoli hanging out of his nostril, or you try to help him out. But whenever you try to direct someone to where a parcel of food is on his face, he will always suddenly lose his sense of direction and logic. You can either keep saying "up a little... no up... wait not that much" for five minutes until he finds it by pure chance, or just flick it off yourself.

---

Here's a fun thing to do when blessed with lots of snow: Find a snowman that other people built and completely annihilate it and piss all over its remains.

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When asking Miss Boulton, organizer of the Stream Team cleanup crew, if she would be willing to sit down with me for an interview, she replied, “I've already done like a million interviews. Fuck off.” But with some keen diplomatic prying, self-emasculating flattery, and a substantial monetary bribe, I was able to get three minutes with her. Boulton's comments truly convey the essence of volunteer work. "I've gotten thousands of dollars in scholarship grants. I love doing community service. It really gives back," she says.

Indeed, Miss Boulton is redefining community service for a new generation. Her unique attitude towards volunteer work poses an intriguing question: Why should anybody be expected to help out their community without receiving cash, fame, and free passes in return?

A new beginning

I decided to start a "real" blog. To start off, I'll be posting some snippets from the recently deceased Terr Says column. At first I considered having my fans vote for their all-time favorite entries and posting those, but if the 4 of you are really disappointed that I left anything out, just let me know so I can not do anything about it. Thanks.