God To Humanity: Shut The Fuck Up Already With The Prayers

HEAVEN (AP) -- At a recent press conference, God, creator and master of the universe, expressed extreme displeasure at the hundreds of millions of prayers He has been receiving on a daily basis.

"Shut the fuck up already," He told humanity. "I have such a headache. Seriously, I've fucking had it. I haven't gotten any rest since the seventh day."

God threatened to stop answering prayers altogether if He keeps receiving so many. "Take some initiative. Why do you people need my help for every little thing? Go get laid or survive cancer on your own."

Prayer volume has already dropped significantly, suggesting that people are generally not eager to incur the wrath of an almighty deity.

Critics of the Lord were quick to point out that most prayers have already been going unanswered for thousands of years. They noted that Heaven is a bureaucratic nightmare, where prayers need to go through a lengthy formal approval process by several offices of saints before they are even considered by God. The saints have an enormous backlog of prayers dating back to the Middle Ages.

"You have people praying today for peace between Israelis and Palestinians being ignored because God is just getting to prayers asking Him to end the bubonic plague," complained one theologian who wished to remain anonymous to avoid being sent to Hell.

Many professional athletes, accustomed to crediting God for their accomplishments on the field or court, are now considering the possibility that some measure of innate athletic talent, rather than divine intervention, is cause for their success.

God concluded his statement by imploring humanity to remember that "it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than some asshole who keeps pestering me with his personal problems to enter the kingdom of Heaven."

This was God's first public appearance since April, when He angrily told humanity that He does not work in mysterious ways and will strike dead the next person who says so.

Lou Dobbs May Be An Illegal Mexican Immigrant

NEW YORK -- Lou Dobbs, the host of CNN's Lou Dobbs Tonight, has what might be described as a Mexican fetish, often shouting uncontrollably at his guests and viewers about the evils of Mexican immigration. But evidence continues to accumulate suggesting Dobbs himself is actually an illegal alien from Mexico by the name of Luis Dobalez.

An old photograph has surfaced that allegedly depicts Dobbs before he immigrated to the United States. The name "Luis Dobalez" is scribbled on the back of the photo, which was anonymously mailed to CNN from Mexico, along with a brief history of Dobbs' time in Mexico and decision to immigrate to the U.S. and undergo plastic surgery to assume the identity of a crotchety old white guy. Before his employment at CNN, there are no records of Dobbs having a house, bank account, or anything else to suggest he resided in the U.S. An investigation is now underway to determine if he forged documents such as his driver's license and birth certificate.

Some suggest that Dobb's obsessive ranting about immigration may be derived from his paranoia about being found out as well as feelings of shame.

"It's like the classic case of a very vocal homophobe who turns out to be gay," said one analyst. "I always knew Dobbs was a closeted self-loathing Mexican."

The photograph is only the most recent in a long line of suspicious incidents that have called Dobbs' true identity into question. Two years ago, several crew members on Lou Dobbs Tonight reported that he screamed "hijo de puta!" ("son of a bitch!") during a commercial break after getting a paper cut. Dobbs claimed it was no different from an American who occasionally says "adios" instead of "goodbye." However, one of the crew members, himself a Mexican immigrant, said that Dobbs' accent was indistinguishable from that of a native Mexican. Dobbs, astonished to learn one of his own crew members was Mexican, immediately fired him after recovering from a mild stroke.

A year later, fellow CNN broadcaster Larry King looked through Dobbs' iPod after he left it on his desk one day and found nothing but ranchera songs. Dobbs again defended himself, asserting that he was only listening to this traditional Mexican music to better "know the enemy."

On his program last night, Dobbs made a somewhat confusing statement concerning the accusations against him:

"These attacks are being made on me without a shred of evidence to back them up. I am not an illegal immigrant. I am not a Mexican. I have never been to Mexico. I have never even eaten a burrito or gotten a tan. If you watch my program, then you are familiar with my stance on the issue of immigration. You know very well that, if I were a Mexican immigrant, an illegal one no less, I would promptly return to my homeland so that a hard-working American could rightfully have my job for better pay."

Some interpret the next part of Dobbs' statement as an outright confession:

"And Pedro, if you're watching this, I know I still owe you 3,000 pesos. I'm going to pay you. Stop sending incriminating photos of me to America. Pendejo."

Dobbs continued to raise eyebrows later in the show during an argument with a caller. The caller reminded Dobbs of the evidence against him and repeatedly accused him of being a liar and a hypocrite. Finally pushed to his limit, a frustrated Dobbs screamed "Chupe mantequilla de mi culo! Tu madre tiene un bigote!" ("Suck butter from my ass! Your mother has a mustache!")

Manute Bol Bumped His Head Again

Sudanese-American basketball star Manute Bol has bumped his head again. Bol, who retired in 1995 as one of the tallest players and greatest shot blockers in NBA history, hit his head trying to walk through the Arc de Triomphe in Paris. "Fuck," cried Bol. He did not incur any serious injuries, but a piece of the Arc was broken off and is currently being reattached.

Bol's head makes unforeseen contact with inanimate objects several times a day, but this marks only the second time this year he has been foiled by a major national monument. In March, Bol failed to clear the Gateway Arch while visiting St. Louis. Arches are especially problematic for him, creating the illusion of an ample amount of traversable free space.

Throughout his life, Bol has repeatedly expressed displeasure with what he calls a "little man's world." Critics of Bol say his perspective of reality has been skewed by his experience playing pro basketball with other large men. They say he should pay more attention while walking around, and that society should not have to be physically restructured for his convenience when all he has to do is lower his head or bend his knees a little.

Bush Unveils Controversial New Energy Proposal

WASHINGTON -- President Bush held a press conference today to announce a new energy initiative. At the heart of the initiative is an unprecedented and highly controversial proposal aimed at reducing U.S. dependence on foreign oil, as well as increasing domestic availability of other fossil fuels such as coal and natural gas. The proposal entails the mass killing and burial of plants and animals throughout the country in order to expedite their transformation into fossil fuels, which are derived from decayed organic matter, that is, matter that once made up living organisms.

"America's oil should be American oil," declared the president. "Not being subjected to the the whim and fancy of some Middle East dictator will result in improved economic stability and national security. And through the widespread yet merciful slaughter of any and all living things, we can achieve this goal."

If the plan goes through, 100% of forests would be clear cut and the trees put through wood chippers and subsequently buried hundreds of feet below ground in appropriate marine environments that promote fossil fuel formation through a complex series of steps. All animals in the United States would also be slaughtered and similarly buried, except for cats, dogs and the minimum number of chickens, pigs, and cattle deemed necessary to sustain their availability as a food resource.

"Don't ask me how a raccoon can become liquidy [sic] black stuff," said Bush, veering away from his prepared speech for a moment. "But Mother Nature says it can, and I believe her."

Bush's proposal was immediately attacked by environmental groups, and early polls suggest that the public reaction will be unfavorable.

"I am at a loss for words," said Carl Pope, executive director of the Sierra Club, a well-reputed environmental organization. "We have been busy fighting Bush's proposal to drill for oil in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge, but now that has become his most environmentally friendly strategy."

Greg Powell, a biology professor at the University of California-Berkeley, said in addition to obliterating life, the plan would not even achieve its desired result: "For one thing, the process of fossil fuel formation literally takes hundreds of millions of years."

A Bush spokesman responded, saying the president "agrees with Dr. Powell that this groundbreaking new proposal will endlessly benefit future generations of Americans."

Some of the more conservative critics of the Bush administration support the plan, but are pessimistic, citing Bush's tendency to make sweeping, grandiose statements that he doesn't follow up on.

"I think this plan, if carried out, would make a lot of progress towards solving America's energy problem," said one pundit. "But why do I have a feeling that I am going to wake up one summer morning two years from now, walk outside, and still be surrounded by scampering squirrels and singing birds as I stand in the cool shade of a towering oak tree?"

The response of Congress was overwhelmingly negative, with only a few senators and representatives throwing their support behind the proposal, and one, Sen. James Inhofe (R-OK), saying it doesn't go far enough.

"Why only terminate life as we know it within our own borders?," said Inhofe. "I agree with the president about avoiding the Middle East, but there are over a million caribou in Canada. That's oil waiting to happen." Inhofe added that the United States should also act quickly to secure future fossil fuels from the Amazon rain forest before the agriculture and timber industries finish clearing it. "We have an obligation to the American people to rape this valuable tract of land before it disappears."

The Bush administration's last energy initiative, which fell through, included an unpopular proposal to extract energy from the hot inner core of the earth to heat homes and buildings. Critics claimed the administration knew full well this was not a viable alternative to oil or gas, and was merely posturing.

Possible Homosexual Sighting In Iran

TEHRAN -- A homosexual sighting was reported in Iran early Friday morning. Iranian authorities received an anonymous tip from a man who lives in Zabol, a small city near the border with Afghanistan. The man claimed another man was checking him out while he was buying sun-dried figs at a local market. The alleged homosexual has not been seen since.

This news comes less than two weeks after Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's controversial appearance at Columbia University in New York City, where he told an American audience, "In Iran, we don't have homosexuals like in your country. In Iran, we do not have this phenomenon. I do not know who has told you we have it." This shocking assertion was made in response to a Columbia student who asked Ahmadinejad about persecution of Iranian homosexuals. The student later commented that that nobody in particular had told him Iran had homosexuals, but he just assumed that, by this point in time, gay people had successfully dispersed out of San Francisco and inhabited all parts of the globe.

Supreme Leader of Iran Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, known to close friends as "Big Al," has dispatched every wing of the Iranian military to Zabol to "find and destroy this fairy." Paranoid men all over the city, fearing accusations of homosexuality, are having rampant sex with their wives or covering the walls of their homes with posters of female models posing in proper hijab.

Meanwhile, Ahmadinejad continues to deny that homosexuals ever have or ever will exist in his country. "I respectfully disagree with Big Al's decision," said Ahmadinejad. "I think by sending our troops to Zabol, we acknowledge the possibility of homosexuality in Iran, and that is a big mistake. However, yes, yes, he is the Supreme Leader and I am only the president. Blah blah blah [laughs], you know?"

Some Middle East scholars say that homosexuals abound in Iran, but won't come out for fear of being harassed or put in jail. Ahmadinejad responded to this claim by saying, "That is very silly. We would not harass or imprison a homosexual. We would kill him immediately."

At an upcoming press conference, Ahmadinejad is expected to also deny the existence of Jews in Iran, as well as the existence of heterosexuals in the United States and western Europe.