Homeless Man Blows Savings On Booze Again

NEW YORK -- A homeless man in midtown Manhattan decided to spend all of his money on alcohol again early Friday morning. The man, who doesn't know his last name but thinks his first name might be Pete, used the $3.38 he collected in donations over the past week to buy a 40 ounce bottle of Mickey's malt liquor. Pete said that he hesitated to liquidate his entire savings on yet another bottle of Mickey's as he stood in a corner mart at Lexington and 53rd, almost opting to purchase an Olde English 800 instead. In the end, however, he stuck with his long-time favorite.

Manhattan residents who donated to Pete over the last week were incensed that he spent the money on alcohol. Some vowed they would never again use Pete to get rid of their annoying, cumbersome spare change.

"I'm really disappointed," said Mark Kingsley, a Wall Street trader who estimates he put as much as 63 cents into Pete's empty sytrofoam coffee cup. "I was hoping he would invest in a penny stock or something. It's time for Pat [sic] to start thinking about his future. Does he want to be homeless forever?"

"How could he be so irresponsible?," bemoaned another selfless giver, Rachel Newhouse, a hedge fund manager who completely exhausted her purse of coins of all denominations when she passed Pete on the street Wednesday afternoon. "I think I even gave him a newly minted 2007 nickel. And this is what he does with it. I'm not making the mistake of giving him any money again, that's for sure."

Other New Yorkers cited this incident as a perfect example of why they refuse to give to the homeless.

"Booze again?," said an incredulous Leopold Beckenbauer, CEO of Beckenbauer Enterprises. "See, that is why I don't give to the homeless. That, and my ravenous, insatiable appetite for money and unyielding refusal to relinquish a single penny for a purpose other than the perpetual accumulation of my own material possessions and aggrandizement of my gargantuan, imminently exploding ego. It's a combination of the two, really."

"I've always said giving to the homeless is a big mistake," said some other anonymous rich white guy as he sent an important e-mail on his Blackberry. "By doing so, you encourage them to stay homeless. If everybody stops giving money to Paul [sic], maybe he will be inspired to clean himself up, work hard, and get a real job to fund his malt liquor addiction. Hey, I pulled myself up by my diamond-studded bootstraps, albeit with a little help from my parents' trust fund."

The latest reports allege that Pete has drank about 3/4 of the Mickey's, which he is keeping in a brown paper bag to foil authorities who might otherwise issue him a summons for drinking in public; apparently, the ploy is working. "I assume it's just a two-liter of Pepsi he has in there," said NYPD Officer Ray Holmes.

Meanwhile, Sam, another one of Manhattan's homeless, is being criticized for a sign he made on a piece of corrugated cardboard which reads "homeless and traveling."

"Unbelievable," responded Brett Truman, an investment banker. "Does he really expect hard-working Americans to fund his exotic trip to the Virgin Islands or wherever he's 'traveling' to? Lousy bum."

Sylvia Browne Predicts Coming Of The Year 2008

NEW YORK -- With 2007 already 11 months old, people around the world are impatiently awaiting the arrival of a new year. And they won't have to wait much longer, according to popular psychic Sylvia Browne. To the delight of many, Browne declared that the year 2008 is right around the corner, even pinpointing the exact moment of its arrival: one second after 11:59:59 PM on the night of December 31.

Skeptics say anybody could have made this prediction, as the calendar year is a human construction that follows a regular, repeated pattern based on the earth's orbit around the sun. They dismiss Browne's prediction as a poor attempt to save face by betting on a sure thing after having been exposed for past prophecies gone unfulfilled.

Browne, in her distinctive rasp, angrily rebuffed these claims, saying "if it's so obvious, why hasn't anybody else predicted it?" Though there is plenty of evidence of people making passing references to 2008, Browne insisted she is the only one who has gone on record confidently forecasting its imminent arrival. She then coughed up an unidentified thick black fluid and ate a few cigarettes.

Browne is well-known for her weekly appearances on The Montel Williams Show, where she specializes in channeling the spirits of dead friends and relatives of audience members. She often comments on the "round face" or "pretty eyes" of the spirit, thrilling the audience with her extrasensory skill and removing any doubt that she isn't a callous, useless charlatan who inexplicably rose above doing palm readings on a city street corner.