My exchange with a fundamentalist

While we're on the topic of religion, I got into an exchange with a self-proclaimed "fundamental evangelical" who calls himself Righteous Randy on a message board on imdb.com. I was just fucking around with him, but he seemed to take me seriously up to a point, then ultimately gave up on me. I liked his initial description of hell, pretty unique. And since I do write some satire on this blog, let me make clear that this is a real conversation I had, transcribed word for word. Here is the transcript:

Righteous Randy: I'm a Fundamental Evangelical and proud of it.

Me: OK, simmer down, you're getting a little randy.

RR: I like your sense of humor. Do you believe that Jesus was violently murdered for your sins?

Me: My sins? Not really, considering I wouldn't exist for another 2,000 years.

RR: Oh, I would hate to see a man of your humor spend eternity in hell. If you have any questions about the love of God, feel free to ask me.

Me: But a man of my humor could really lighten up the mood in hell.

RR: You're forced to push coal for all eternity, you aren't paid and you aren't allowed to sleep. I want to save you.

Me: I actually thought it was worse than that, not that pushing coal is a hobby of mine. What happens if I refuse to push the coal? I'm already in Hell, I don't think any further punishment will be a big deal to me. I don't really mind not getting paid either because what am I going to spend the money on down there? I don't have to pay rent do I? Anyway, I purposely wouldn't so I would get evicted. And they can't keep stopping you from sleeping. At some point you're just going to pass out and be unresponsive from extreme fatigue. And does Hell seriously still have a coal-based economy? That's so bad for the environment, Satan should propose switching to cleaner alternatives.

RR: IT DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT!

Me: It doesn't? Sorry, I'm just trying to understand. Also, if I'm not getting paid then I don't have to pay taxes to Satan, do I? If so, do I have to fill out a new W-2 form down there or does the one I use on Earth just transfer over? I'm confused!

RR: Living in hell is living without God, that is the tax that has been put upon you. Your soul literally cries out every waking second for salvation, but you have denied God and you are now being denied by God.

Me: Wait so do I have to fill out a separate form for the "living without God" tax? Is that like the WD-40 or something like that? I feel like I've heard it before but I can't quite remember. Damn bureaucracy! Even in the afterlife LOLZ!

RR: I take it back. You aren't worth the attempt to save, I have no interest of saving you. Heaven will be better off without you. This is goodbye.

Me: That's fucked up Randy! Just for that, I'm accepting Jesus' offer of salvation. See you in heaven bitch! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

RR: I hope you are being honest. PRAISE THE LORD! Amen.

Me: Eh, now that I think about it, you might be right-- heaven would be a better place without me. I don't want to spoil it for everybody. OK so fuck it, back to hell. Later. PS - Get back to me about those tax forms when you get the chance.

RR: I will pray for you.

Me: OK, when you talk to God, can you relay some of those questions I asked you? He must have some knowledge of the tax laws in Hell. Also ask him if he recommends any restaurants down there, preferably one with good cold hors d'oeuvres and air conditioning!

[This is where Randy stopped responding to me]