OH MY GOD I'M MISSING A PAGE OF LECTURE NOTES FROM 4 MONTHS AGO!

My friend from college, Jer, who is now getting a master's degree at BU, just made a post on his blog that included an observation about how students always arrive extra early on the first day of class. He is right that so many college students are too high-strung. Besides kids who arrive unnecessarily early for class, another favorite of mine are twats who bring about 12 finely sharpened pencils to an exam, just in case they break 11 pencil points.

It all comes down to kids being conditioned to become obsessed with succeeding academically and outperforming anyone else who dares pursue an education and career as well. I did pretty well in school, but miraculously I still went to class at a reasonable time (such as after sunrise), didn't look at my fellow students through the lens of a savage warrior hellbent on annihilating the opposition, brought (at most) 2 pens or pencils to an exam, and didn't worry about a B+ dooming me to a life of poverty.

Stop stressing out about everything you high-strung bastards.

Chris Berman Tribute to Jim McKay "A Bit Flippant"

BALTIMORE -- At a memorial tribute to the recently deceased Jim McKay last week, fellow sportscaster Chris Berman delivered a speech that some thought was less than appropriate for the occasion. Approaching the podium wearing a humorously unconventional bright blue bow tie, Berman proceeded to fill his speech with clever catch-phrases and nicknames characteristic of his broadcasting style, repeatedly referring to Mr. McKay as Jim "Mac Daddy" McKay, "Jumpin' Jim McKatydid," or Jim "I'm Okay, Are You" McKay.

Eyebrows were immediately raised and an awkward silence quickly ensued after Berman started off his speech by saying, "Back, back, back, back, back, back, DEAD!"

"I'm not opposed to a little good-natured humor in a eulogy, but I just thought the whole thing was a bit flippant," said Sean McManus, McKay's son and president of CBS Sports. "Especially when he said, 'The thrill of living... the agony of death!'" (putting a spin on McKay's trademark phrase, "the thrill of victory... the agony of defeat").

Berman noted that McKay lived all the way to "the ripe old age of 80 triple deuce," an alternative term for the number 86, adding that if he survived a few more months, he would have made it to "80-sevski," or 87. He likened McKay's life to a running back breaking free for an open-field run, exclaiming, "He could... go... all... the... way... but he doesn't! Pushed out of bounds by the Grim Reaper at the 4 yard line! An 86-year run. WHOOP! Deadskis!"

Berman made his speech short and sweet, explaining that he had to get back home and think of more words and expressions that sound similar to the names of famous athletes before his next broadcast.

Deconstructing the Obama Wave

At a recent rally in Philadelphia, Sen. Barack Obama was seen waving his hand. Political pundits around the country have been intensely analyzing the wave and arriving at all sorts of interpretations. What is the true meaning of this cryptic gesture? Will it cost Obama the presidency?

"It seems pretty clear that he was saluting Hitler," said Fox analyst Bill Breckendorfer. "It was a fairly casual 'Heil Hitler.' His arm isn't perfectly straight and his fingers aren't all aligned, but don't be fooled. Obama is a Nazi."

"I think he was putting his hand out so as to say 'stop," surmised Wall Street Journal columnist Roy Stangle. "Stop fighting terrorism."

"Funny how quickly these conservative critics forget the time President Bush ostensibly waved to a large crowd just a month ago," noted CNN analyst Tom Creskin.

The Obama campaign has yet to comment, but other theories abound in the media as to the true intention of Obama's sudden, unannounced extension of his arm. They include flashing a gang signal to fellow Chicago gangbangers, reaching out to shake the hand of the Rev. Jeremiah Wright, indicating to his drug dealer that he wants 5 ounces of cocaine, preparing to catch a hand grenade that he will then use to blow up a church, performing the outdated Macarena dance, and trying to summon the spirit of Muhammad to lead a worldwide jihad against infidels.

Meanwhile, in a national poll of ordinary citizens, 100% of respondents said they thought Obama was greeting his supporters at the rally.

Not your usual suspect

I don't know if this guy was charged with anything, but if so he looks fairly confident he'll be acquitted...

Hillary Vows To Stay In Democratic Race Until Death

WASHINGTON -- After clinching the Democratic presidential nomination yesterday, Barack Obama would now like to turn his attention to the general election contest with Republican opponent John McCain. But that may not be so easy. Hillary Rodham Clinton refuses to accept defeat in the Democratic race even though it is not mathematically possible for her to win a simple majority of the delegates at this point.

Sen. Clinton articulated her reasons for staying in the race during an interview on Good Morning America earlier today. "This race is not over. If I recall correctly, it's still June, the month Bobby Kennedy was-- I mean, you know, in the Democratic race 40 years ago... it was, uh, I mean, it was still really close and, um, you know, until something bad happened. Or something."

Last night was the final night of the primary season; Clinton won South Dakota while Obama took Montana and enough superdelegates to push him over the edge. Clinton initially said that she would not yet make a decision about whether to drop out of the race even though it is already over. But, after sleeping on it, she decided to stay in and keep battling Obama "until the day I die." Clinton also extended an official invitation to Obama to be her running mate.

"She's in it to win it," said Clinton campaign chairman Terry McAuliffe. "Don't be surprised if you still see Mrs. Clinton delivering stump speeches in January as Mr. Obama is being sworn in as the 44th president of the United States. She is not a quitter. This campaign will never die. Fuck you."

"Yeah, fuck you," agreed former president Bill Clinton. "And fuck Jesse Jackson. I mean Osama. Or Obama. Whichever one of those jackasses is running against my wife."

Clinton scoffed at the fact that Obama claimed victory just because he won more delegates than her. "Does Senator Obama really want to continue the outdated tradition of deciding primary contests based on who won more delegates? The type of politics as usual in Washington that we have had to endure for the last 8 years under a failed administration? What happened to all his talk about change?"

"Goddamn it, I don't want to lose!," added Clinton. "This is such bullshit!"

Obama has yet to fully respond to the surprising marks out of the Clinton campaign, at the same time poetically noting that he heard some of them "while standing in the vast shadow of an old, shuttered steel factory" as he stared off into the distance. He added that he would say more later while "standing on the well-worn steps of the old capitol building, its magnificent pillars thrusting upward toward the heavens."

Analysts say Clinton's defiant persistence, though futile, will only hurt Obama's chances in November. Meanwhile, McCain swiftly began his direct assault on Obama last night to kick off the general election race. In a speech, McCain talked about what he perceives to be Obama's major weaknesses, using the word "experience" a total of 293 times.